6 Household Objects You Won't Believe Contain Actual Chemicals

6 Household Objects You Won’t Believe Contain Actual Chemicals

Nothing good has ever come of chemistry. From the toxic gases that slaughtered billions in World War I, II and III, to the toxic liquids pumped into our innocent, crying children daily under the pretence of “vaccination” and “public health”, we’re surrounded by chemicals. Chemicals are toxins. Chemicals are evil.

Sadly, no matter how vigilant you feel you are, it’s likely that chemicals have infiltrated your home. This is partly the government’s fault: with their engorged wallets bursting at the seams with cash “donations” from Big Chemistry, it’s no wonder politicians turn a blind eye to the blatant poisoning of their citizens. But you’re also to blame. Your ignorance of basic science is probably killing your family.

But luckily, with a few easy modifications and substitutions to your way of living, you can begin an effective physical (and spiritual) detox and be rid of 6 of the major sources of household chemicals.

Books

It’s no secret that chemists love to read, so it’s no surprise that many, if not all, books contain some truly deadly chemicals. You may not have been taught this in school, but paper (the primary component of books) is made out of cellulose, a substance so foreign to our bodies that our own digestive system refuses to break it down, much like chewing gum. Cellulose, in turn, is made of glucose, which has been implicated in numerous diseases, including (but surely not limited to) diabetes. Glucose is also the main fuel for cancer, which makes a whole lot of sense considering 99.5% of cancer patients read, on average, one to eight books prior to their diagnosis. Coincidence? There are no coincidences when dealing with chemicals.

Chemical-​​free replacement: Ancient scrolls. It’s safe to read any text printed before the discovery of the structure of cellulose, but make sure you wear gloves.

Canned Fish

We’ve all heard that canned fish such as tuna contains significant levels of mercury, one of the most toxic chemical elements known to humanity. But that’s not the only reason you should crush all your tuna cans under the wheels of your car immediately after reading this article: they also contain dangerously high levels of chemical oils known only as “omega-3”s. The cryptic Greek naming should be your first clue that these are bad news (just like pi and Betamax), but toss in the trade secret that these chemicals are also fatty acids, and you’ve got yourself a serious dealbreaker. Do you want to feed your children acid? Do you want to melt your own sweet, innocent children? Do you want to melt their smiling mouths off?

Chemical-​​free replacement: Fresh fish. Fish killed and consumed before being shoved into a metallic can contain no mercury or harmful fatty acids.

Coffee 

While it may come from the seeds of one of Gaia’s natural creations — the coffee plant — this brown liquid is not as safe as you might think. The lifeblood of many a misguided chemistry student, modern coffee is brewed to contain actual drugs, the most addictive of which is caffeine. Caffeine has been known to enable such dangerous activities as all-​​night raves and thinking you’re actually better at writing essays than you are. It is very chemically similar to the purine nucleotide bases, which have been implicated in every known case of cancer. Ever. Cup of Joe? More like Cup of Josef Fritzl! It’s possible to buy coffee that has been decaffeinated, but carbon dioxide is often used to do that, so I wouldn’t trust it, considering it’s another chemical and all.

Chemical-​​free replacement: Tears. Sages have known for generations that drinking the liquid sadness of others is a safe and pleasant way to perk yourself up.

Fruit 

Again, don’t be fooled by their natural origin — modern fruit is a disgusting collection of foul and evil chemicals, just waiting to destroy your very way of life. Like books, many fruits contain sugar, but that’s not all. Seemingly-​​harmless fruits, such as apples and bananas, produce ethene gas when they ripen! Fruit makes petroleum! Every time you bite into a soft, pliable banana, you’re eating petrol! Apples are doubly toxic, because their seeds contain cyanide, which is almost certainly a chemical. Plus, monkeys love eating fruit, and monkeys are assholes. Avoid.

Chemical-​​free replacement: Vitamin supplements. You will live forever, if you never stop consuming pure, natural vitamins in pill form.

Humans 

Homo sapiens are comprised of approximately 70% H2O, an alarmingly abundant chemical, and contain a wide variety of dangerous elements, including phosphorus (used to make matches and methamphetamine), sulphur (ever heard of sulphuric acid?), calcium (which reacts violently with water, don’t eat it), sodium (which explodes in water, definitely don’t eat it), chlorine (which will make you drown in your own lung fluid), carbon (every biological toxin, poison and venom contains carbon atoms), nitrogen (one of the elements that make up TNT and nitroglycerine — coincidence?), oxygen (used to make rocket fuel and an important part of bleach) and hydrogen (if you inhaled pure hydrogen, you would die of asphyxiation). Humans are walking deathtraps. Don’t let them near your kids.

Chemical-​​free replacement: Cats. Members of the species Felis catus are in fact made entirely of non-​​baryonic matter.

Cats

Who am I kidding, cats are made of chemicals too. Is nothing safe?

Chemical-​​free replacement: Meaningful relationships and a basic knowledge of science.

[Creative Commons licensed Flickr photo by wellcomeimages]