Illuminating the Illuminati: Why a New World Order Probably Doesn't Exist

Illuminating the Illuminati: Why a New World Order Probably Doesn’t Exist

We can get this out of the way nice and early: yes, I am being paid by the government to say this, we all are. Got it? Fantastic, moving on.

The most pervasive misconceptions in Hollywood are not that people can magically get concussions and wake up twenty minutes later unscathed; it is hardly the fact you can’t hear somebody scream in space; it couldn’t possibly be that amnesia doesn’t generally happen from a thwack on the head; I wouldn’t mind if you thought that the protagonist can shoot a billion bullets and his eardrums are suddenly immune to decibels; but just please don’t leave here with the misconception of what happens on band camp.

American Pie has shattered the reality of good ol’ band camp. What did we actually do on band camp? Talk about the Illuminati.

It’s become somewhat of an in-​​joke among us orchestra members. A couple of us believe it, a couple of us aren’t convinced, but we take it light-​​heartedly. We’ve even planned to have a Dan Brown marathon.

Somehow the conspiracy theory has spread through the year level. I hear people talking about it all the time now, some people are even scared. I was asked by a couple of friends the other day about whether or not I believed in the Illuminati, and I promised to explain my answer. So, here we go, an amalgamation of topics and claims.

I think the most concise thing I’ve heard spoken by my peers has something to do with ruling the world. Something about creating a New World Order? But then what is the Old World Order and what makes the new one new?

A brief history of the Order of the Illuminati (yes, it did exist): A secularist free thought movement established in Bavaria in 1776, but suppressed in 1785 because their progressive ideas were radical and distasteful. Years later, conspiracy theorists insisted the suppression did not take place and they were the catalysts in the world’s revolutions, the fear of the ruling class. Others said they were elites, Jews controlling from the top. Judging by the internet now, the theories on what the Illuminati actually do are even more varied. Asking a couple of my friends about the Illuminati gets me nowhere. I feel like I’m talking to David Icke, there is no purpose. I’m underwhelmed to say the least.

So let’s assume that everybody insists the Illuminati are trying to create a New World Order, or a one world government with complete global domination if you will. Does anyone actually know how much work that takes? How much manpower? To take over each and every geopolitical territory, or to even control one, takes a massive amount of resources, and there is no way an operation like that can stay undercover. It would take millions of people, and there is no amount of money or threats or chocolate bribes that could keep that many mouths shut.

Is the government in on it? What, you mean are they in on relinquishing their own control? That doesn’t sound like power-​​mongering to me.

But I now hear you screaming: We already know it’s happening. Ke$ha and Lady Gaga are members of the Illuminati.

So the Illuminati are in control of the entertainment industry? What are they supposed to do? Make terrible movies about the end of the world? Make people scared about apocalypses and Armageddon? Make us party till we drop dead? Recycle the same annoying loops? Sing us to death? Oh yeah, too late.

“Yeah, but I saw Ke$ha’s music video. I saw the eye in the triangle. The symbolism is obvious.”

Can I please put this in perspective here? We have people over the internet trying to analyse the song sung by a girl whose most pervasive and profound lyrics (which she didn’t even write) include:

Don’t stop, make it pop/​DJ, blow my speakers up

and the more recent masterpiece:

Young hearts, out our minds/​runnin’ like we outta time/​wild childs, lookin’ good/​livin hard just like we should

I saw the eye in the triangle too. I saw many of them, actually. I also saw trippy editing and many generic music-​​video style shots, wolves mating and Ke$ha in the process of foreplay. And is this metaphor and symbolism supposed to be comparable to George Orwell’s work? Most of this is probably the decision of the director, so he should probably get most of the Illuminati credit anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not “hatin’ on Ke$ha”, she can make whatever music she wants to make. But don’t try to insult everybody’s intelligence by reading meaning into a song that isn’t there. Clearly, she just wants to have fun and party, respect an artist’s wishes guys.

Alright, fine. If you say they’ve taken over the world, what now? They poison our water sources with mind-​​controlling fluoride, they use a sugar replacement to brainwash us, vaccines to make us sick, etcetera etcetera. Well, if there is a force trying to control our minds with malicious intent, they are going about it all wrong. Why don’t they use tried and tested methods that actually work? There are a billion claims that I can jabber on about here. There are also plenty of studies and plenty of credible research you can explore yourself on vaccines and aspartame and fluoride that prove its a really ineffective way to brainwash somebody, or kill them. I won’t be able to spoon feed you a rebuttal to every topic, not on this post anyway. However if you’re trying to change the way people think, make it actually work.

But would they really be so blunt as to tell us when they’re adding mind-​​warping chemicals to the water? “Yeah guys, don’t mind the fluoride, we swear it’s not for mind control.”

But I don’t see their mind control working. I’m questioning, you’re questioning, everybody seems to be in on it, so they would have failed by now, wouldn’t they?

Alright, fine. Let’s assume that they do take over the world, and intend to promote an ideology (because we already know that they haven’t succeeded yet, because I still have to argue with people at dinner parties about politics). Do we all remember what the Order of the Illuminati was in the first place? It was a society promoting liberal ideas like gender equality, and educating and treating women as intellectual equals. It doesn’t sound like too bad of a world to live in. And can we all put an emphasis on free thought, the viewpoint that opinions should not be borne out of tradition or authority? If the conspiracy theories are accurate, then this new age Illuminati organization has nothing to do with the original Order, or progressive thinking or secularism. It’s like me saying Ancient Egyptian culture has lasted millennia when the Pharaoh is no longer seen by an entire society to be a god. The Pharaohs are no longer around, and apparently neither is rationality.

Yes, there are plenty of people claiming to be members, plenty of websites that have some pretty interesting claims. All I see around every click of the mouse is more scary, mysterious words. “Secrets” and “enemies” and more generic plots to insight curiosity and terror. Gaining an air of mystique and trying to sound profound does not equal evidence.

And the fact that maybe the Illuminati are surveying us? They’re tapping our information sources to figure out everything about us? Anonymous, Knightsec and any knowledgeable sixteen year old with a laptop can manage that. Adding a level of mystery to something so blatant is pointless.

Does this post seem like it has no direction to it? You would be right. Because there is absolutely no direction and no sense in my experience with my fellow high school children. They are receptive to scare-​​mongering, that’s no surprise. They spout bits and pieces which I have to rebut with no context. There is not one concrete argument I have found. At least when I’m battling against organic food proponents they have something they put across. But Illuminati conspiracy theorists? I don’t have a clue what you’re afraid of. What will they do when they take over the world? What are they trying to achieve by surveying us Nineteen Eighty-​​Four-​​style?  This is why I’m underwhelmed. You’re no fun, just give us something to work with here.

I’m happy to be proven wrong though, if somebody has a solid claim to discuss. But so far the internet and my peers haven’t given me anything to work with.

What kind of wimpy organization is this? Their “spokespeople” are “hot messes” trying to pose as pop stars, they seem to have no purpose but to dominate in contradiction to their values, and they’re using methods that don’t work to achieve this. Please tell me what I’m missing here, because I honestly have no clue.

So next time when somebody mentions band camp, you can dispel those terrible Hollywood rumours. We just sit around talking about the Illuminati and complain about euphoniums, ‘cause deep down, nobody really likes euphoniums.

[Creative Commons licensed Flickr photo by nickstone333]