The fight for the most absurd “woo-woo” heats up!
Sick of laxatives or enemas? Want to try a completely natural product? Well, then ButtCandle™ might be perfect for you. Just stick this candle in your ass and light. It’s designed a bit differently than a regular candle, so that the flame will create a vacuum as it burns oxygen and suck the shit right out of your ass. Best of all the candle is flushable so you don’t have to worry about pulling it back out.
On a recent episode of Dr Rachie Reports (and accompanying blog) I talked about the absurdity of ear candling. But just when you thought things could not get much weirder, let me introduce you to the ButtCandle™! Just like ear candles, the ButtCandle™ is designed to clean and purify, but this time via your intestinal tract using rectal cleansing with the help of a gentle vacuum. The major difference between ear candles and these is of course the location for placement. At the risk of sounding completely absurd, I will leave it up to the website to explain…
Instructions from www.buttcandle.com–
Thoroughly shower or bathe; it’s best to leave the backside somewhat damp.
Squat, or lie on your back, to insert the ButtCandle™ to a depth of no more than 3 inches. If you encounter resistance, do not shove … rather, gently twist while applying firm and steady pressure.
Upon completion of insertion, lie on your back and pull knees to your chest.
Strike the 10″ wooden match that is provided. The lighting process, due to anatomical differences, is easier for women than for men. Men need to reach around their thigh to light the wick; whereas women will find it easier to reach directly between the legs. At no time should you permit the lit match to come in contact with your bodily parts.
As the candle burns, a vacuum will be created within the rectum and thereby draw out the stubborn fecal material. A gurgling sound and sensation is not uncommon or cause to worry. The candle will snuff itself after approximately 5 minutes.
If, at any time during the process, the need to void becomes urgent simply go to the toilet as normal; the candle will instanteously go out when it becomes vertically oriented and, furthermore, the candle is 100% soluble and septic-safe so there’s no need to dispose of it in any other fashion. The used ButtCandle™ should not be handled by anyone and kept out of reach of small children and household animals.
Many people find it relaxing to take a warm shower upon completion.
So (I hope) by now you’ve twigged to the fact that this is a big joke. The ButtCandle™ is listed on the site museum of hoaxes and in addition, there is no place on the website where you can buy them. Whoever is behind (no pun intended) this fanciful product has even gone to the trouble of adding an Oprah endorsement; “Like a neti pot for your bottom”.
If the sheer ridiculousness of this product did not tip you off to the joke, then this excerpt from their website might:
We’ve made a conscious decision to not include any drawings or photographs of actual ButtCandle ™ usage on this site. Our fear is that a few bad apple pranksters would make a mockery out of those images. With every order, we include a free 18 minute VHS video as well as printed instructions.
So it’s all in good fun, we’ve all had a laugh. Yet upon reflection, these pranksters are making a rather salient point and that is, people will believe almost anything. I am willing to bet my lucky rabbit’s foot that they’ve had requests to buy these things. Let’s face it, coffee enemas and colon flushing continue to be popular with celebrities. And there’s big, big money in any kind of detox whether it be foot pads, foot baths, supplements, or any other kind of “woo”.
So whilst some may refer the ButtCandle™ as bad taste, they are nothing if not absurd and mildly amusing. However, juxtaposed alongside ear candles (same concept, different orifice), it is worth reflecting on the following ;
Ear candles are;
- Listed by our government’s health regulatory body (the Therapeutic Goods Administration) granting them an official looking number and undue credibility
- Available in pharmacies alongside legitimate, science based medicine.
- Sold to you by well qualified, community respected, white coated pharmacists.
With the help of ButtCandle™ as a comparison, I hope you can begin to comprehend the sheer absurdity of this situation. Suffice to say, we have a very long way to go with respect to eliminating woo from orthodox medicine. It’s a tough and thankless job.
Thank you ButtCandle™ for giving me a giggle along the way.
Footnote: Should you wish to buy some merchandise including caps, mugs and undies (groan), all your ButtCandle™ needs are available at cafepress